Hello readers,
It has been a month since I last updated Devil In The Skull. I was catching up on life including the start of Year 1 which was last week and meeting new people. While I do want to write some reviews including one for 13 Reasons Why, I believe it is time for me to confessed what happened over the past months especially if you happened to know me in person.
I have been feeling miserable since the start of this year. With the problems leaving unresolved for many years, they have since caught up with me and I knew deep down I must faced them. Not only have I been feeling miserable, I feel resentful about myself. I never once needed to questioned my character until in November last year. I started to have thoughts that people were scheming to see me suffer. People were scheming to see others bleed in the moment of happiness, and I knew I was starting to find myself out of place.
My usual worrying soon became a full blown paranoia. I started to suspect everyone and calculate every single move just like any chess player trying to win his opponent. I kept questioning kind actions done by people I know, how they were thinking, did I offended anyone or how can I survived in school. I was frightened by people's behaviour which I did not know whether was it a genuine or something else. I could not sleep peacefully without having to think what would happened the next day and my dreams were all over place. I could not tell whether was it a dream or just me trying to be all deja vu for a reason. November has never been a great month for me, even when I was in secondary school.
Over the first break in Semester Two last year, I spent days trying to piece all actions and events happened to find out reasons why people treated me in a particular way. I tried to make life better by telling myself that people are unpredictable and no one is perfect, but it failed. I failed to recall what happened over the months. I do not remember what happened before November, so piecing up memories was not a good idea. The whole December was a torture because there was no way I could get my mind off minor things. The only regret I had over the months was I should have never talked to anyone about my paranoia.
In January, I slowly got myself back together and was ready for a new change. My new change was a short lived when I confided in the wrong individual. I felt my head was spinning and I was on the verge to take a knife out of somewhere in school to stabbed this individual with no mercy. I could have tear myself apart and embrace insanity if I did not remind myself that there were more important things such as English Presentation CA in front of large audience and End of Semester examinations. Believe me, I really wanted to hurt people so badly. The month of January made me such a naive person to believe in promises and kind nature. I still could not get passed those things that happened, especially in February and March.
My paranoia in these two months slowly subsided and was replaced with anger. I regretted my decision made in January. I regretted taking the easy route instead of the high road because I have to live in pouring regrets and self hatred. If I were to rewind time, I would have let people believe that I was a liar and they should hate me, so that no one would know anything. I was so foolish to believe that telling the truth will make my life easier. I was angry that serpents get to walk out of the door and continued their schemes. I was angry that coldness was what I got after the truth was told. It was hard on me because I felt like I have lost something in my life that I wanted to keep, or I was a villain in a drama called life.
March was the continuation; the cycle of living in anger and sadness. I never really mourned over the loss of greater good. I never really solved my problems, even when I received solutions to let go. I could have done something else at the class chalet. I saw the bottles of liquor and people were having a good time. I had the strong urge to drink, but I already made a promise. I also wanted to sit by the pool and contemplate a plan, but I could not bear to. You thought it was thankful that I did not end up in such state, but this only made me even more mad. Who were you to care about my well being or anything? You should have continued treating me coldly because it was better if you did not talk to me and I was already used to it. I have more stories to tell but I shall leave them to next time.
Another reason for self hatred was on the day of PFP Completion Ceremony. I lost not only one but three opportunities that day. I felt excluded from the whole ceremony and the atmosphere. I saw those photos on the Facebook page, especially the one which had my classmates smiling and posing for the camera. I was disappointed that I did not featured in any photos just because I was "no where to be found" when I was always there. How was it hard to find me? It makes me feel that I was never a friend but a stranger who happened to know them. However, I told myself that I was not in any photos because I did not make myself available and people thought that I am just cold. I did not know where to really go and yet those people who claimed to feel fucking insecure still wanted to believe that no one cares when they are part of something. A night to remember became a night to self hatred.
It came to a point where I decided that the world I knew was never what I thought it was. I used to believe that you can like someone with all the kindness and goodness in him or her, but ultimately I learnt to never fall for such charm. I wanted to believe that people have intentions because they wanted to achieve something better for themselves; to strive harder and make their lives comfortable. However, it only makes me afraid of socialising. I am scared to lose people. I am scared to fail. I am scared that someday people would get fed up of me and walked away, and that fear came true. I promised to never confide anymore, even if I wished I could because it only makes me feel demoralised. I learnt that everything on the surface matters most when it comes to being interesting. I was never interesting enough to have friends. Some just walked away and some just discarded me and pretended that they never met me. I hated people who keep saying that they are awkward beings and yet they are part of something. If you are awkward, then what about myself?
People say there is light at the very end of the tunnel, but I disagreed. I believe in darkness two years ago after God failed me at the very end of the year. I was not deserving enough to have something which I always wanted. I was not deserving enough to be at least loved and felt equally the same. I felt ashamed of what I did on 12 and 21 January, and to be frankly honest with you, readers, I failed to moved beyond those dates. For many years, I have trouble letting go of my guilt towards people. I did many things that were either unkind or not compassionate. I am sorry for putting my class, E37C, in such dilemma whereby they did not know what I was thinking and for not being honest. I lied to cover my embarrassment to compensate my pride. While some people may think I am strong to go out alone, I can ensure you that I am not. I cared about what people think of me and words like alone, friend and weird triggered me. I cared because I wanted to avoid conflicts but they still happened. I am sorry to the ones who knew about my problems especially how I became paranoid and insult their pride. I knew I have already lost the ones whom I wanted to keep, but it is already too late for a city to forgive.
I have other stories to tell but for now, I shall stop my post here and get myself together. If you read this, I promised you that I will tell them in another time when I see you again.
It has been a month since I last updated Devil In The Skull. I was catching up on life including the start of Year 1 which was last week and meeting new people. While I do want to write some reviews including one for 13 Reasons Why, I believe it is time for me to confessed what happened over the past months especially if you happened to know me in person.
I have been feeling miserable since the start of this year. With the problems leaving unresolved for many years, they have since caught up with me and I knew deep down I must faced them. Not only have I been feeling miserable, I feel resentful about myself. I never once needed to questioned my character until in November last year. I started to have thoughts that people were scheming to see me suffer. People were scheming to see others bleed in the moment of happiness, and I knew I was starting to find myself out of place.
My usual worrying soon became a full blown paranoia. I started to suspect everyone and calculate every single move just like any chess player trying to win his opponent. I kept questioning kind actions done by people I know, how they were thinking, did I offended anyone or how can I survived in school. I was frightened by people's behaviour which I did not know whether was it a genuine or something else. I could not sleep peacefully without having to think what would happened the next day and my dreams were all over place. I could not tell whether was it a dream or just me trying to be all deja vu for a reason. November has never been a great month for me, even when I was in secondary school.
Over the first break in Semester Two last year, I spent days trying to piece all actions and events happened to find out reasons why people treated me in a particular way. I tried to make life better by telling myself that people are unpredictable and no one is perfect, but it failed. I failed to recall what happened over the months. I do not remember what happened before November, so piecing up memories was not a good idea. The whole December was a torture because there was no way I could get my mind off minor things. The only regret I had over the months was I should have never talked to anyone about my paranoia.
In January, I slowly got myself back together and was ready for a new change. My new change was a short lived when I confided in the wrong individual. I felt my head was spinning and I was on the verge to take a knife out of somewhere in school to stabbed this individual with no mercy. I could have tear myself apart and embrace insanity if I did not remind myself that there were more important things such as English Presentation CA in front of large audience and End of Semester examinations. Believe me, I really wanted to hurt people so badly. The month of January made me such a naive person to believe in promises and kind nature. I still could not get passed those things that happened, especially in February and March.
My paranoia in these two months slowly subsided and was replaced with anger. I regretted my decision made in January. I regretted taking the easy route instead of the high road because I have to live in pouring regrets and self hatred. If I were to rewind time, I would have let people believe that I was a liar and they should hate me, so that no one would know anything. I was so foolish to believe that telling the truth will make my life easier. I was angry that serpents get to walk out of the door and continued their schemes. I was angry that coldness was what I got after the truth was told. It was hard on me because I felt like I have lost something in my life that I wanted to keep, or I was a villain in a drama called life.
March was the continuation; the cycle of living in anger and sadness. I never really mourned over the loss of greater good. I never really solved my problems, even when I received solutions to let go. I could have done something else at the class chalet. I saw the bottles of liquor and people were having a good time. I had the strong urge to drink, but I already made a promise. I also wanted to sit by the pool and contemplate a plan, but I could not bear to. You thought it was thankful that I did not end up in such state, but this only made me even more mad. Who were you to care about my well being or anything? You should have continued treating me coldly because it was better if you did not talk to me and I was already used to it. I have more stories to tell but I shall leave them to next time.
Another reason for self hatred was on the day of PFP Completion Ceremony. I lost not only one but three opportunities that day. I felt excluded from the whole ceremony and the atmosphere. I saw those photos on the Facebook page, especially the one which had my classmates smiling and posing for the camera. I was disappointed that I did not featured in any photos just because I was "no where to be found" when I was always there. How was it hard to find me? It makes me feel that I was never a friend but a stranger who happened to know them. However, I told myself that I was not in any photos because I did not make myself available and people thought that I am just cold. I did not know where to really go and yet those people who claimed to feel fucking insecure still wanted to believe that no one cares when they are part of something. A night to remember became a night to self hatred.
It came to a point where I decided that the world I knew was never what I thought it was. I used to believe that you can like someone with all the kindness and goodness in him or her, but ultimately I learnt to never fall for such charm. I wanted to believe that people have intentions because they wanted to achieve something better for themselves; to strive harder and make their lives comfortable. However, it only makes me afraid of socialising. I am scared to lose people. I am scared to fail. I am scared that someday people would get fed up of me and walked away, and that fear came true. I promised to never confide anymore, even if I wished I could because it only makes me feel demoralised. I learnt that everything on the surface matters most when it comes to being interesting. I was never interesting enough to have friends. Some just walked away and some just discarded me and pretended that they never met me. I hated people who keep saying that they are awkward beings and yet they are part of something. If you are awkward, then what about myself?
People say there is light at the very end of the tunnel, but I disagreed. I believe in darkness two years ago after God failed me at the very end of the year. I was not deserving enough to have something which I always wanted. I was not deserving enough to be at least loved and felt equally the same. I felt ashamed of what I did on 12 and 21 January, and to be frankly honest with you, readers, I failed to moved beyond those dates. For many years, I have trouble letting go of my guilt towards people. I did many things that were either unkind or not compassionate. I am sorry for putting my class, E37C, in such dilemma whereby they did not know what I was thinking and for not being honest. I lied to cover my embarrassment to compensate my pride. While some people may think I am strong to go out alone, I can ensure you that I am not. I cared about what people think of me and words like alone, friend and weird triggered me. I cared because I wanted to avoid conflicts but they still happened. I am sorry to the ones who knew about my problems especially how I became paranoid and insult their pride. I knew I have already lost the ones whom I wanted to keep, but it is already too late for a city to forgive.
I have other stories to tell but for now, I shall stop my post here and get myself together. If you read this, I promised you that I will tell them in another time when I see you again.
