I have been meaning to post this entry for quite some time and I decided I shall do this before starting my preclass work for Wednesday's module.
I have been angry with myself and everything I made in the past. I wished there is a way for me to let go but I just could not. The people I know slowly faded into the background and I know deep down there is no way I can wiggle myself into their lives today or tomorrow. The show has already ended and I am expected to move on with life without any closure. This makes me feel extremely sad; to not be able to say something before having a civil distance.
I always thought that I was angry because of an incident which changed my life around. I was frustrated with myself for simply professing and not keeping it close to my chest. I couldn't let go of the pride I carried and I felt so betrayed to the point that I said mean things to the person whom I wanted as a friend. The person meant a lot to me, more than anyone understands... I blamed everything on him without knowing myself and learned from mistakes I make. He got fed up with what I kept throwing at him...
I learned that friendship is a two-way thing. One gives and the other receives. I gave and I did not received because of my foolishness and selfishness. I believe that God make this friendship rather an impossible thing because I seldom treasure things till they are gone. It was the last straw and I lost it without knowing. By the time I realised, the person may have moved on with something new which I am supposed to look forward to.
I believe the person may also hope that I would do the same, to moved on and go forward with new things to come. Meet new friends, join events and do something that would make me even happier. Last Friday, I came to realised that my chances of hoping to change anything had died a long ago. I saw those eyes and the words spoke which make my heart shattered to pieces. It was the saddest and loneliest feeling which I long never felt since November two years ago.
No one saw my eyes.
No one knows how I felt the moment the door of excitement opened.
People talked.
The closeness that everyone deserved to feel.
I wished that I had the same closeness and I don't think I ever will because I wasn't like the person. I wasn't a sacrificial person who is willing to do anything for his or her friends. I never had a kind personality but a snobby one. I never suffered the same as you do. Lastly, I wasn't deserving enough to have people coming to find me in a classroom just like you.
Maybe the problem with myself is not about letting go, but I wasn't ready dive into a new circle and forget the people I left behind.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to forget everything that happened.
I don't want to forgotten.
I don't want to be that someone in the past.
All these thoughts came to me yesterday before I fell asleep and I think it summarised what I felt after all these months. I don't want to alone in the big world whereby I have to fight for myself. I wanted to be protected. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to suffer alone.
I hope they won't forget me.
I hope they will strive well.
I hope to someday meet them down the line.
I hope that time passes and things get better...
